Dear Blogger friends,
I admit it here, on my blog, that I tried to commit suicide not once, but twice. Why did I try? What were the reasons? Today I look back at those moments….and pen down this letter to you all.
I was an unwanted, girl child. My Amma, desperately wanted a boy and there I was, a healthy 3kg baby girl, with cute black eyes and a cherubic smile. I wonder if she ever had feelings for me. She refused to feed me and even sent me to my grandparents place. After 5 years, my Appa brought me to Mumbai for schooling. Amma never spoke to me; all I got was physical, emotional and verbal abuse. I failed to understand this behavior of Amma. I wept, threw tantrums and at times even felt like running away from the house.
Maybe it was Karma or maybe Amma’s destiny; she left this world, when I was 9 years old. Life changed, my relationship with my elder sister changed. She was now a friend, mother and a mentor. The fights at school, the masti, the growing up fears, my dreams, I shared everything and much more with her. Then after two years, my Step-mom, (Chitthi I called her fondly), entered my life. A true blessing she was for our family. Words cannot express my gratitude towards her.
Things were going perfectly fine, or I thought so. Deep inside, the hurt refused to go. No matter how much I was cared for, I missed the love and acceptance of my Amma. These feelings kept multiplying and they exploded, when my sister’s marriage was fixed. The mere thought that she would leave me and go, made me possessive. I started throwing tantrums, like a two-year old. I was completely out of control and, I tried to cut my wrist with a knife. I remember, Appa slapped me and even said I had gone crazy. His words still echo at times, ‘Useless, shameless girl’, huh! Appa took me to a doctor, he said, these were symptoms of Hysteria. He gave some tablets and asked me take rest.
After few days, I became normal, the aggressiveness subsided; however it still hurt me emotionally. Letting go of my sister, was something, which I couldn’t do. Months passed and sister got married. How I wished I could speak to her on phone, however, those days, there were no mobile phones and the international call rates were very high.
I still remember, it was the month of December, Appa and my Chitti had gone to temple. I was 19 years old and all I wanted was to go away from everything and everybody. The feelings of loneliness encompassed me, it was something very strange. I wanted to end it all…the red duppata on the cloth line was inviting me…I grabbed it and tied it to the fan. I tied a knot on my neck and I stood on the brown stool…and pushed it…I choked…it was painful…and just my sister’s face flashed in front of me. My friends who believed in me, who loved me, my teachers who had high hopes from me, I thought of all of them, at that moment. Tears started flowing, as I tried to untie the knot…it took time, however I was successful.
Depression, anxiety, loneliness, abuse, these are all like passing dark clouds. At that age, I didn’t have that maturity to understand this, nor did I have a strong support system. There are many out there brought up in broken homes, who feel left out and unwanted and such people either become resilient or extremely emotional. Most of the times, it’s just the loneliness and hurt that keeps building in and then comes a point, wherein you feel the only way to end the pain is to end this life.
At times all one needs is…
An affectionate hug,
An assurance,
An acceptance,
A little trust,
A patient ear,
A caring word,
A loving heart!
At times…
Today, after 10 years, I laugh at the thought of suicide. I believe that this LIFE is a wonderful gift and no matter what the circumstances, we need to keep moving. And if you feel emotionally low, speak up, make new friends, get over your past and make a new way.
Finally, it’s not about how many times you fall; it’s about how many times you manage to get up!
Love and blessings,
Gayu
Gayatri , there are tears in my eyes after reading this. But I salute you. You are a brave girl who overcame the 'temptation' and embraced life.You have rightly said that it is many times you manage to get up after each fall.and Samu richly deserves a mother like you.
This post is very close to my heart Kalpana and your comments mean a lot to me. I always wanted a daughter, i wnated to shower her with all the love and care and respect which I missed in my childhood.
It was a momentary temptation….and when realization dawned, life changes, forever!
Hugs
Gayu
Hugs Gayu <3
Reading this gave me goosebumps as I glimpses of something so eerily similar… maybe someday I will too write about it… maybe I will not.. Not too sure.
But I know you deserve this beautiful life full of love and remember come whatever may I love you for all that you are, as you are always <3
Hugs my dear Ammu, it's not necessary that you write about it, what matters is you look back and you smile at whatever you did. What matters is how much you have grown as a person today and how much you are learning in this process 🙂
Keep smiling,always
Gayu
Gayatri..a heart wrenching post. You have been brave to come out of that stage of loneliness.
Sunita, its all in our mind, Loneliness, Depression, its all how we view it and name it.
At that age, I didn;t realize it and I am happy, I got a second chance to live my life to the fullest!!!
I feel like to call you right away and blast you!!!
You were an idiot Gayu! What if you were not able to untie the knots during the second attempt???!!!! Silly Idiot Girl!
Text me your number in Facebook. Lost all my contacts!Wanna talk to you!
Love you!
Gopikaa
Awwww….ya silly girl I was 🙂
I had to untie the knots, for a wonderful future, a future where I have a friend like you…who calls me from miles away….:)
Blessed to have met you Gopi…:)
Love you lots 🙂
Hugs
Gayu
Boy or a girl? What difference does it make? But Indians will always remain Indians. Our mindsets will never change…be it 10th century or 21st century or the 100th century. Subconsciously the prejudice still exists, even if the pretentious urbanite behaved and said things otherwise.
Good that your nightmare ended. I assume you've got a daughter. Hope, she enjoys all the pleasures of life, while she takes pressures with a pinch of salt. Well Expressed!!!
Very true Jini, when I was pregnant, there were many, who blessed me and said, "may you have a healthy boy', hehehehe, however my motherly instict knew it was a girl:)
An yes, i want my angel to become strong enough to take things with a pinch of salt
Thanks for reading and commentng, means a lot to me:)
Hey.. felt restless while reading the blog…. but feeling good for you after I finished it. Life teaches us lots of lesson.. LIFE is the BEST TEACHER… as they say.. but our non-sense acts few times, takes us far away from those great learnings.
Gayu, great to see the way you write your expressions. Am very poor in writing such big write-up/blog. But, surely these blogs gives me great feelings and makes me feel good… Keep writing and keeping sharing… Wish you a good luck…. 🙂
"LIVE and Let others LIVE…." Pyar batate chalo…..
Thanks Rajesh for reading and sharing your views. You know how much they matter to me, don't you?
Yes, I completely agree, Life is a wonderful teacher and every moment is unfolding a lesson!
Keep learning…and growing!!
Gayu
That was a tough post to read … I wish you more power and love in life… Hope you never go back to that cross road ever again..and you are brave indeed..it takes courage to write a post like this
Thanks shiva for reading this and your blessings matter a lot!!!!
Yes. It doesn't matter how many times you fall…what matters is how many times you get up.
Thanks Pankti 🙂
gayatri, i m simply speechless after reading dis post
u r the best…
We all are best and unique in our own ways…
God Bless Dhanu 🙂
It was good that both your attempts did not meet with success. It is heartening that you have got over that trauma to such an extent that you are now able to laugh about it.
But, what is truly extraordinary is that you have chosen to tell the world what happened. Hopefully, this will discourage others from trying suicide.
Unrelated to this subject, I'm intrigued that most people address you as Gayatri/Gayu, but you are also referred to as Jayashree/Jayu. Could you throw some light on this?
hey gayu,
I can understand had gone through all of these…. but i m greatful to god that u came out of and are happy now… god bless u always dear … be happy and ping me on whts app as i lost all contacts
Jayashree..I can feel the sting of every word and situation you have beautifully (pardon my adjective here) penned. and it reminds you of your smile…the one that i have seen thru school…and now!!! That is what is most important. This reminds me of Rocky's words..Nobody can hit as hard as life…It aint about how hard you hit..its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward!!! Keep smiling and spread the love..n all your friends love you re..i know i do..!! From School days to now and forever..Cheers to our friendship!!
Hi Gayatri,
I must say you are very bold in your life and it shows in your writing. I think the essence of life is felt the most when you experience a near death experience. I am glad you sailed through to share this experience .. I have become tougher and bold reading your experience
Thank you.