Warning: Long post ahead…so don’t mind hitting the “x” button if you running out of time J
Meera’s post here made me think…about Marriage and the concept of Motherhood. The Indian society gives a lot of importance to a girl’s marriage. Once the girl is 23 or 24, the chacha’s , mama’s, kaka’s and the entire neighbhourhood starts worrying about the girl’s marriage. Questions keep on pouring on parents. Why is it so important for girls to get married?? Why can’t she have an identity of her own???
One more thing that annoys me is the importance given to things which I don’t think matter a lot. Take the example of a girl who gets married. After marriage there are certain things which need to be followed, like wearing a mangalsutra, bindi, bangles, sindoor, toe-rings etc especially in Hindus. I am not against this, but it frustrates me when these things are forced on someone.
There is a lady in our society. She is a Christian married to Marwadi. I recently attended a function in their house, and I was surprised to see that the girl was not wearing any of the above mentioned stuff. It was the hot topic of discussion amongst the ladies present there. I asked her whether her MIL was okay with it, to which she replied that her MIL forced her in the beginning, but later she stopped telling her.
Here again people may argue saying that “when you are married to a person from another caste or religion, you are expected to follow their customs and traditions from day one”. I don’t understand how one can expect this. The girl has been brought up in a different environment and in a different culture all together. It becomes very difficult for one to adjust and follow different practices. The adjustment becomes even more difficult if things are forced on the girl.
Marriage calls for adjustment from both the sides. Take my case. I am a TamBram married to a Maharashtrian. Even though I had many Maharashtrian friends and I knew all their customs, it was very difficult for me to adjust in the beginning. I was accustomed to South Indian food, and a sudden change in the eating habits drove me crazy. Me and my in-laws later found a solution for this. Weekends we used to relish on South Indian platter and weekdays were reserved for Maharashtrian dishes. In this situation if my in-laws or husband had forced me, it would have been very difficult situation for me.
Once the marriage wave subsides….there is another waiting “When are you planning to have a baby???” Now that I have one daughter and she is 4 yrs old, the gossip queens in our building have started asking me “When are you planning for the second baby, Samruddhi will get bored alone.”
I wonder how come people get so much time to poke their nose in other’s personal life. It’s me and my husband who has to decide whether we need and when do we need one. One can see beggars on the streets. They have a child every 2 yrs. Are they able to feed them; are they able to give them the basic necessities of life???
There was a lady in my previous office, who didn’t want to have a child. She was not ready for the responsibility that comes together with a child. There are many females who stay in unhappy marriages just for the sake of their children. It’s high time that we change our thinking, don’t you feel so??
In our society a woman is considered to be complete only if she is married and has children. Times have changed but there are some things which are yet to change. Let us not make marriage and motherhood the only goal in our life.
Nice post Gayu! I am a Tam Brahm married to a Syrian Christian. Interestingly I have always lived in the north while my husband grew up bang in the middle of a Tam Brahm neighbourhood in Chennai. So they were more familiar with our customs than I was. My MIL who used to live downstairs used to often ask me why I was keeping my " vaira thodu" in the locker? Over the years I got used to their customs- mainly the issue of non veg on the table. I used to wear in the early days of my marriage a thali which had the Thirumangalyam and the Syrian Christian Minnu. The Minnu fell off one day ( a lot of gold even though it was a small piece). I took off the entire thali after that and switched it to an ordinary gold chain. I wear a bindi and I have not changed my maiden name.. People get surprised when they hear that I am married to a person of another religion.
About children, yes, I have said what I wanted to and I think people should stop poking their noses into everyone's reprodcutive status- What say?
Well written and couldnt agree more with your last statement. I re-read that line because i identify with it so well 🙂 Happy Womanhood!
Awesome gayatri…..i feel proud of you for wirting such a beautiful article…
@ Meera…lost ur Minnu…ohh considering the fact that Gold has become so expensive….u can't lose one:P I totally agree with you "people should stop poking their noses into everyone's reprodcutive status"
I had lots of thoughts, so I wrote a post rather than posting such a big comment:)
@Swapnap: Welcome to my space….I guess every woman can identify it somewhere…hai na???? Wud like to know more abt u..:)
@Sneha: THANKS A TON DEAR!!!!!
Gayu,
I always say that a girl is to be treated at par with boy. Let the person, girl or boy, decide on own what is best for him or her. Marriage is one of the things which we consider makes one complete and also fulfills responsibilities towards society. However when and whom should be left to individual. Having children again is own decision of a couple. However suggestions keeping age and some other factors in mind may be offered but not forced. Both husband and wife need to adapt to traditions of each other's family but as girl becomes part of new family it is expected that she would carry on traditions of her new family. This again should not be forced but explained in a loving way and let her decide.
Take care
@ Jack uncle..I totally agree with you. Not every family understands this. Small things…become big in no time and relationships fall apart.
Gayu
I completely agree with you. I have a huge list of such questions – why should a woman change her name and display all those things to declare her marital status has changed…etc etc. And the result -M branded as a loud mouth in my house for speaking so much 🙂
Wish we could change things…